Guinea Pigs
by Sour Schuyler
Summary: [one-shot] Hi! ) This is a WACKY, farfetched story in which Kaiba ends up standing up for Joey and Marik wins the tournament because of shiny objects! Set in Battle City, directly between Joey and Marik's duel and Yami and Kaiba's duel...


Guinea Pigs

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh…

"And if I play _this _card..." Kaiba said to himself, laying out a Petite Angel card on his desk, "…I'll get a 100 chance of victory, plus Santa will put an extra goody bag in my stocking." Kaiba clapped his hands together and laughed giddily.

"Shouldn't you have figured out what you wanted to play before the actual duel?" a crackly voice came. Kaiba looked up sharply... got up... and walked right past the figure in the doorway.

The figure sweat dropped. "Hey, that was rude."

"Hey, I don't care." Kaiba walked down the hall and then went into the one-person bathroom. A few minutes later he came back out. "Dang it, why wasn't there any soap---you!!"

Marik brightened considerably and rolled his fingers together. "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Oh no?" Marik's grin grew to be as big as the Cheshire Cat. Kaiba, who had wet his pants watching Alice in Wonderland when he was three, shuddered involuntarily.

"Yes, no," Kaiba declared firmly. "And wipe that stupid grin off your face."

"Nah..." Marik stretched his eyes out.

"That's gross!" Kaiba cried, disgusted.

"Yeah I know." The CEO sweat dropped. "Mua ha ha ha ha!"

"oO You're crazy."

"Yeah, I know," Marik replied simply, fingering his Millennium Rod. "But you should know that you and I aren't so different Kaiba-boy, now are we?" Marik smiled at the CEO slyly. For a second Kaiba thought that Marik was hitting on him, and then he realized something even worse:

He had said _THE NAME! _He had said _Kaiba-boy! Noooooooooooooooooo!_

"Don't call me that," Kaiba commanded him, annoyed. "I preferred to be called just Kaiba. Or Mr. Kaiba, but I doubt you'll go for that since you think you're going to be the first world dictator and that you're going to make us all kiss your bare butt in the near future," Kaiba said coolly. Marik just grinned, having found something that annoyed Kaiba almost as much as the Spice Girls or being poked with a stick!

"Kaiba-boy."

"I said don't call me that!!" Kaiba whined loudly, like a little kid. Marik did his Cheshire impersonation, and suddenly Kaiba had a hallucination of Marik wearing a purple kitty suit. Behind him, the "original" Marik was singing a song.

"I want a purple kitty for my birthday mom! A pretty one! I fluffy one!" the original Marik, Ishizu's little brother, sang in a horrible, terrible, glass-shattering stentorian voice.

"oO A fluffy one..." Kaiba murmured.

"What?" Marik glared at him. "What did you say?" the bronzed kitten-- err, person demanded. oO

"Err... how are we more alike?" Kaiba asked.

"We're both evil! -" Marik informed him.

"I'm not evil," Kaiba argued stubbornly.

Marik sweat dropped. "Uhh, not only are you evil, but you hold grudges. You built an entire theme park just so you could use it to kill Yugi..." Another fat, blue sweat drop joined the first. "And it didn't work."

"Just some minor technicalities---I mean I've changed!" Kaiba caught himself.

"Suuuuuuuure... anyway, you're still a mean meanie mean head."

Now it was Kaiba who sweat dropped. "Um... whatever."

"No, really!" Marik insisted. "Don't you remember this?"

**Images fluttered across Seto's closed eyelids, of Ishizu and Yugi and the Winged Dragon of Ra and that _really _bad episode of What I Like About You that he had watched last night. He saw Joey dueling Marik. Joey was having his will sucked out of him. His hair was flying upward, as if it was spiked, and he was screaming like Family Guy had just been canceled. **

**Mokuba looked on with a worried expression. "This is--"**

"WAAAAAAIT a second!" Kaiba yelled angrily. "Are you using the Millennium Rod to enslave my mind?"

"But Kaiba-boy, I thought you didn't believe in magic?" Marik inquired innocently. "And, no. I'm merely showing you flashbacks. 'Cuz the Millennium Rod luuuuuuvs you!" Marik made kissy faces at him. Kaiba growled.

"You're an idiot. I'm not I'm not Kaiba-boy."

"So you're a Kaiba-girl?"

"Shut up."

"Only if you let me show you the past!!" Marik explained in a sing-song voice. Kaiba sighed.

"Fine."

"Alright!" Marik tapped the Rod against the ground. "A one, a two, a one two three go--"

**"This is nuts!" Mokuba opined loudly over the roaring of... what _was_ that? Was that... background music? oO The Millennium Rod gave its flashbacks background music? How absurd. oO**

**"Marik's gone over the line this time," Mokuba professed firmly. "We've got to put a stop to this duel before anyone else gets hurt!"**

**Kaiba stood next to Mokuba, his facial expression only changing slightly. 'There's no way I can stop this duel. I must witness Ra's strength with my own eyes!!'**

"Well...? See what a self-minded jerk you are?" Marik smiled brilliantly. "You used Little Joey—"

"Why do you call him that?" Kaiba asked, but he got no answer.

"—As your guinea pig, just as you said. Only this time, he could've died because of your heartlessness! Your little brother is such a fool to look up to you. It's really quite admirable, the way you've got him fooled. So go on. Justify your actions. Is a person's life worth knowing how an Egyptian God cards works? Keeping in mind that you'll _never _get it from me, as you're too _weak _to even beat the Pharaoh. Well?" The bronzed Egyptian (who was totally hot, but definitely NOT in Kaiba's opinion) smirked and tapped his foot impatiently. "I'm waaaaaaiting..."

"You're talking about a person who drove a man to suicide for his Blue Eyes White Dragon," Kaiba informed her dully.

"See? You're pure evil. Mokuba wanted to save Joey, but what did you do? You wouldn't let him. You _say _you love your little brother and yet you don't respect his wishes. See Kaiba, in reality, the only one you really love is you." The Egyptian's lavender eyes twinkled merrily. _"Your _cards. _Your _power. And _your _title of the best duelist in the world!" Marik threw his head back and laughed. "MWA HA HA HA HA! …Ah, phew. I hadn't laughed evilly in a good five minutes." Marik grinned at the president of KaibaCorp standing in front of him.

"Stop being such a clown, clown," Kaiba retorted, guilt in the back of his mind but denial up front.

"Stop being such a fool, fool," Marik said back, his face perfectly devoid of expression for once.

"Stop," Kaiba commanded.

"Stop."

"Stop what?" Kaiba inquired quizzically.

"Stop what?"

"Hey...!!"

"Hey...!!"

"...Mary had a little lamb it's fleece was white as jibajibalugalu snow IN A BLENDER!" Kaiba shouted. "WITH PICKLES BUT NOT RELISH! HA! I win! Remember all of _that!" _Kaiba stuck his tongue out at the evil incarnation of eeeevil!

"..." Marik stared at him. "Wow, Kaiba. You have problems."

The CEO's face fell, and he looked at the floor to avoid exposing his blush of embarrassment. There was an awkward silence, and then Marik coughed.

"HAAAAAAACK!"

"Ewww!" Kaiba gaped in horror at the loogie at the floor. "My maintenance crew just cleaned that floor!"

"How do you know that?" Marik demanded, his eyes narrowed into dangerous slits. "It's doesn't say, 'Danger, Wet' anywhere around here, now does it?"

Kaiba smiled and closed his eyes dreamily. "Nooo... but I can tell. It's all waxy."

Marik sweat dropped and face faulted. "You psycho."

"Takes one to know one."

"Whatever. Anyway, look at what resulted out of your lust for power, Kaiba!" Marik waved his arms dramatically. Nothing happened. "Ooh, darn it..." Marik shook the Millennium Rod as if he was wringing some poor animal's neck. "WORK, darn you!"

"Uhhh." Kaiba pointed out stupidly as images starting to flit across his peripheral vision. "It's working."

"I'm gonna kill you--!!" Marik wasn't listening and proceeded to wrangle the rod. Kaiba sweat dropped.

"STOP THAT! I said it's started already," Kaiba said. Marik looked at him with hurt, soulful eyes, looking dismayed.

"Oh, okay. Sorry."

"Keep it still," the CEO said.

"Alright, alright, stop your whining!" Marik growled. "Sheesh."

**"Joey---Joe!" Serenity cried out, apparently unsure of her brother's name. Hearing that Serenity couldn't remember it, the elder Wheeler sibling promptly fell, face first, onto the deck. "Hit Me Baby One More Time" was playing in the background.**

**"Oh no!" said The Sap.**

**"Joey!" that Duke slut-boy cried out. Yeah, Kaiba knew what he was thinking: Nooo000oo000ooo000ooo000ooo my luv!!!!**

**"Get up, man! Get up!" Tristan urged. The brunette ground his teeth together. "Someone call a doctor, quick!"**

**Marik, by the way, was standing there stupidly in shock. Mwehehe.**

**"Hold on!" Kaiba heard his own voice say. That just felt so... weird... **

**"There's still a duel going on here. Wheeler has 30 seconds to get up."**

**"Kaiba forget about your tournament!" Yugi shouted. "Joey needs help!"**

**Yeah, Kaiba thought, like therapy. Ooooh, aroma therapy was so much fuuuun...**

**"Hm... There's nothing that can help him now!" Malik lied. **

"You suck," Kaiba interrupted his flashback. "It was painfully evident that you were plenteously astounded by your defaulted victory."

Marik growled vehemently. "Stop using big words you jerk!"

"Whatever." The flashback continued.

**"The next duel will begin in 1 hour!" Roland announced, and then proceeded to list off the details of the duel.**

**"I've been waiting for this duel Yugi," he boasted.**

**Yami kept his back to Kaiba and his voice calm as he quietly responded to Kaiba's gibe. "Right now Joey needs me. Once I know he's alright, **

**"I'll see you in one hour!" Kaiba shouted, desperately trying to act cool. But even if he was being promptly ignored by his main rival, he would just have to blow it off. The one thing on his mind was victory...**

"What do you say to that?" Marik challenged, a cocky grin on his face.

Kaiba snorted. "Wheeler may be an undereducated dog, but I have to admit he's spirited. He'll be fine."

**"He doesn't look fine! He's not moving and he hasn't said anything!"**_Her_ voice suddenly rang out in his head. Kaiba's eyes widened. Oh no! The Sap's voice was in _HIS HEAD! _NOOOOOOOOOOO!

"What the...?"

**"NO, JOEY!" **Serenity Wheeler's voice screeched, grating the insides of Kaiba's skull. **"Open your eyes, big brother!"**

Marik smirked. "You said he'd be fine...?"

Kaiba glared like a hawk at the amused expression playing almost melodiously on Marik's face. He had just had what could possibly be the most useless epiphany of his life: Orlando Bloom's hair was not really silver. But also, he finally realized that Joey Wheeler was an important person on this blimp and in the anime, and that if Joey quit, then everyone else would and he would be out of a job, _besides _managing a multi-million dollar company to run.

Also, there's the whole fact that him and Joey had something in common: They were both big brothers. And, Kaiba hated to admit, Joey was the better one. And as his reward, Kaiba decided not to give him a doggie biscuit, but perhaps some medical help from the mainland? Yeah… of course, a leash and collar would look ni---- no, no, he should get him some medical attention. It would please Mokuba.

"What did you do!" he demanded anyway.

"What's wrong, Kaiba? I've just showed you what happened in the past ten minutes!" Marik responded, in what would've been considered a chipper voice had his voice not been characteristically crackly. "Was the reeling effect that damaging to your mentality? Ooh, wow, look at my great vocabulary." Marik stopped to count. "That was one… two… four bigs words! Cool!"

"Shut up! I meant to Wheeler!"

"Eh… wot?" Marik stopped and stared at him blankly.

**"I just want my big brother back!"**

**"I understand." **Ishizu's mesmerizing voice rang out clearest of all. This time, Seto could form his own flashback.

_**"Seto." Mokuba looked down at his locket, tears in his eyes. "Where are you big brother? Why haven't you come for me? You said we'd always be there for each other..."**_

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO WHEELER?" Kaiba demanded when Marik gave no response. Marik's mouth hung open in a shocked '0'. Not an 'O', a '0'. Meaning his jaw was slack.

"But I thought you didn't care what happened to that little puppy dog," Marik lamented.

"Well I _do _care about what happens to my brother, and Serenity cares about what happens to hers! Tell me what you did." Seto ground his teeth together, a low, shivering growl escaping his lips. Marik looked at him, bamboozled. And then he started to laugh.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAA...."

Five minutes later: "AHAHAHAHAHHAHA." Marik gave Kaiba a toothless grin by pulling his lips over his teeth. "Muaha... uaha... haaah..." The madman of the tournament was then subject to asphyxiation. And he fell. And his hit head. _Thud. _

"I hope he doesn't bleed on the tile," Kaiba thought aloud. "Anyway, I guess I better be going to call Wheeler a helicopter." Kaiba walked down the hallway until it formed a 'T'. Then he took a left, towards the transmission area... And stood outside the door. Something shiny had distracted him. The door.

'Oooh, shiny...' Seto mooed in his brain.

"We seem to be experiencing some transmission difficulties due to our distance from the mainland," Roland told somebody.

"Great," Mokuba complained.

Roland grabbed the intercom-thingy and yelled into it: "There are five minutes until the next duel. Spicy tacos shall be served on level 2. Thank you." He looked at Mokuba crazily. "Until then, I shall do the CHICKEN DANCE!" I don't wanna be a chicken I don't wanna be a duck so kiss my but! DA NYAH NYAH NYAH!"

Mokuba sweat dropped as Roland got jiggy with it. "Ah crud. Roland didn't take his medication again." Mokuba bounded towards the medicine cabinet, on the wall for convenience.

Meanwhile…

"I will return from my duel as soon as possible," Yugi (Yami) informed the others curtly before leaving. After a few seconds, he turned around. Nobody had moved from where they were standing.

Yugi's ectoplasmic spirit had an ectoplasmic sweat drop clinging to his ectoplasmic hair like an icicle. "Umm…"

"Isn't anybody going to come with me?" Yami asked nervously. "To cheer me on?"

"Uhhhm," said The Feminine Male.

"Nope," said The Spikehead.

"Weeeeee-elll," said The Sap. "Nah."

"Poor Joey…" said The Sister.

Yami sweat dropped. "But… but my duel! Our special bond! Joey! Kaiba! …Our special bond! Tiffany's Half-Price Off sale on Thursday!" Yami looked around desperately. "Does this not _mean _anything to _any _of you!?"

"My poor brother…" Serenity argued.

Tristan rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Tacos are good."

"I agree!" Tea kissed up to her secret crush in a chipper voice. Aw, come on, we all know that Tea thinks Tristan is sooooooo sexy... XD

"Yeah! Tacos are _great!" _Duke said in his animatronic voice. Serenity just sniffled.

"Joey…"

"Serenity, forget about Joey!" Tristan encouraged. "There are TACOS on the second floor!"

Serenity spun around, her eyes lighting up and sparkling like a thousand pieces of glitter that fell out of a make-up jar and got all over your clothes and blinded you whenever you looked into a mirror.

"Owch," Yami said, shielding his eyes.

"- She's so pretty," Yugi told him.

" . . Serenity is _mine," _Yami hissed so that only his soul partner could hear.

_"Never."_

_"Yes, never for YOU!" _Yami shouted. Everybody turned to stare at him. He sweat dropped. "Um… tacos. Yes, yes, you all go ahead and go and eat some great tacos. I'm depending on you! All of you! Don't let me down," he commanded.

"Yes sir!" they all said, saluting him. Serenity turned around and crossed her arms stubbornly.

"Hmp…" She leaned forward. At first everybody thought she was going to kiss Joey, and they all backed away from the incestuous imouto-san (little sister). But then, she just shouted in Joey's ear:

"_WAKE UP BIG BROTHER!!!!!!!!!"_

The entire island rumbled. Everyone fell over with swirly eyes.

""

""

""

" Serenity is mine."

" Never."

The girl in question stood up with a bright smile on her face. "Oh well! I tried! -"

Everyone stood up, and then anime dropped again.

Meanwhile…

"There are two minutes left until the next duel!" Mokuba reported. "Will both duelists please report to the dueling tower…"

'Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiny…' Yes, Kaiba was still at the door. (sweat drop) No, he never got inside.

Back with the others…

As soon as Mokuba's voice finished ringing out over the intercom, Yami shrugged. "Oh what the heck. Forget the world. I'll go with all of you and eat tacos." Everyone nodded and thought it was a great idea, except for little Yugi.

"You just want to hit on _MY _Serenity!"

"She's not your Serenity," Yami argued quietly as they walked down the hall. "She never was and never will be."

"That's only says yoooo-oooo…"

END

Epilogue:

At the time when the duel was scheduled to begin, Yami was proving to his friends that he was the "King of Tacos". Kaiba was still staring at the doorknob. Joey was passed out, alone in the room, but under the false sense that his friends were surrounding him, he happily dreamed that he was at a Korn concert. Also, the original Malik was mentally probing about Tea's mind, trying to find out what kind of panties she wore.

In the end, Marik won the tournament. However, since there really wasn't a _prize _for the tournament besides being world champ, he didn't exactly get what he wanted. After all, how could he attain the Pharaoh's power if he didn't actually duel the Pharaoh? Hmm…

That is to be mused upon another day. For now… leave a review for my sanity, as I must put up with three annoying 11-year-olds tonight and two tomorrow. UU Ra have mercy on my soul.

Ryou's note:

"Wait a minute! Kaiba's an illiberal, selfish bigot! THERE IS NO WAY HE WOULD WANT TO HELP JOEY! And Serenity is MINE! Why _else _do you think that she tried to help me by getting Kaiba to land the plane? And NO, she was not flirting with him! She's already going out with ME! I would stamp my foot and throw a tantrum, but being trapped in the Millennium Ring with no body and no yami and having to be around Marik's neck gives me a limited amount of space! HE DOESN'T BATHE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! And now I'm supposed to deal with the fact that Marik won the tournament so I'm going to be stuck like this forever??? **_I WANT MY BODY BACK YOU SODS!!! _**

....... _Whew… _Ok, I'm all better now. We hope you've enjoyed the fic. Please leave a review!!! (gives you that cute British smile)


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